The Weird Sisters Podcast

Ep.29 – It’s a Beefy Five Layer Burrito, Isn’t It?

In this episode, The Weird Sisters theorize that the brain is a feelings bank, run by incompetent brain cells, that send your emotions into your body through the infamous deposit slip tube. You have a baby factory inside of you? F*ck you, keep it to yourself and don’t bleed on our chairs. You are welcome, however, to surrender all of your PTO to bond with your new baby. You. Are. Welcome. Children, not that you asked but back in our day, the mail man hand delivered our Netflix from a warehouse and Pinterest was for crafts instead of a cauldron of envy soup. This episode was inspired by: Love Block Sauvignon Blanc

September 24, 2022

Ep.28 – They Hide Their Creepy Pedey Parts

In this episode, The Weird Sisters haven’t changed one bit since the hiatus the universe bequeathed upon them. Please enjoy the below described intellectual subject matter: If you pick a font with some curly-swirlies, it means pirates. Your mother shutting the refrigerator door in your face was justified, due to the fact that you, yourself, were a bill and a poor investment that would only depreciate in value. And now, a guide to the only three types of bugs, and solutions to their occupancy in your house: Gross and crawly - Smush Chunky and crunchy - Swat Cute or will become a butterfly - Save As a side note, we find it odd that snails get their shells from sea life but also shrivel with salt. It seems like a design flaw but we are not lab coat boys. Be honest! On a scale of “Where have you been” to “Stop talking about bugs”, how much have you missed us? This episode was inspired by: 2019 Mer Soleil Silver Chardonnay

August 15, 2022

Ep.27 – I Want to Parkour but I Don’t Want to Get a BooBoo on My Vagina

In this episode, The Weird Sisters have a need to parkour but are hindered by flashbacks of OB/GYN visits, the moment a scraped knee is involved. 

Today, we say goodbye to the longest-standing TWSP recording studio, also known as Meagan’s apartment and possibly half of her couch as well. Being underprepared for a move is a given as are the clumps of pet fur and dried cat vomit beneath your furniture. Impressing your movers is a pipe dream. Let it be gross.

Kelsey’s version of maggot food is a mouthful of mold hummus, Haley’s version of mold hummus is weevil soup and Meagan’s version of weevil soup are spider grapes. What is your favorite food ruiner and how much did you ingest? 

This episode was inspired by: Brancott Sauvignon Blanc

Thank you to The Crying Day Care Choir for the use of their song, Fuck It I'm A Flower

June 25, 2022

Ep.26 – Go Get Lit With My Blessing, My Child

In this episode, The Weird Sisters have a question for you: would you rather eat an undesirable snack pre-maggot arrival or a desired snack post-maggot arrival? Before you answer, keep in mind that it may depend on how much you hate peanut butter and how much you like maggots.

Nature calls one friend in your drinking buddy group to corral the others. If you look like a narc, that is probably you despite the fact that you’re capable of some FAT bong rips. If your friends are dumb enough to smoke a bag of weed they found on the ground outside, that still makes you mommy.

We love the “resting b*tch-face” term so much that it makes us barf our eyeballs out. If by some strange chance you hate it and would like to make the person trying to force you to smile feel as uncomfortable as you do, be sure to keep a fabricated horror story about your life in your back pocket. Or simply speak about the good news of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Preparation… that’s a reason to smile, my b*tch-faced friends.

This episode was inspired by: Cellar Classified Russian River Valley Chardonnay – Badenhorst The Curator White Blend – Francis Ford Coppola Director’s Cut Chardonnay

May 21, 2022

Ep.25 – Congratulations on Your Penis, Plus One!

In this episode, The Weird Sisters scoff at the idea of yacht owners overlooking an obvious plan to have their big boats built to symbolize how they acquired enough money to secure said yacht.

Kelsey stops vaping cold-turkey and tries to replace the urge with a vacuum from Target but instead encounters an imaginary British woman that rolls her eyes at the absurd drinking age restriction in the US.

If you’ve ever wondered why kids recover from certain death so easily, it’s simply because they are jello people. If we were all jello people, there would be no weight restrictions on airplanes and monkey bars would be way less of a deal compared to others with bones.

People with children really just couldn’t afford the cocaine and hookers they wanted so they instead had babies and then made them beat all the other babies in push up contests. Of course if you are Elon Musk, you always wanted children so you could make your own Dune on Mars with your kid Bleep Bloop and the other hundred.

This episode was inspired by: 2020 Maiden’s Delight Pinot Grigio – 2014 Fleur Chardonnay – 2019 Le Coeur De La Reine Sauvignon Blanc

May 8, 2022

Ep.24 – Hot and Ready Like a Little Caesars Pizza

In this fish-forward episode, The Weird Sisters learn they all have the same oddly specific, anger-inducing opinions about how shrimp should be served. Please just do it right or risk being the object we scratch our argumentative bones on.

Hoo-mered by a tuna-inspired wine, Meagan shares about the events that led to her getting the 69 talk from her mom as a kid. Word of advice: the birds and the bees talk should probably come first unless you're intentionally trying to confuse your offspring with a human puzzle.

New to the office? Make damn sure you somehow learn all the unspoken rules, even though Glenda the bad witch took down the informative signs. Heating up fish in the microwave and using an entire head of garlic in your bowl of pasta are fireable offenses, you know! But we don’t food shame around here - we’re too busy arguing about Grand Moff Darth Tarth Tarkin and trying to figure out how to get our teeth on some anti-calcium lozenges.

Turns out we can give you multiple ideas on how to deal with a Karen (some that include words and others that involve daddy tears) but we're sadly at a loss for how to not look like an idiot…and maybe that's the real reason no butterflies have landed on us in a long time. Boundaries up!

This episode was inspired by: 2019 Le Coeur De La Reine Sauvignon Blanc – 2020 Maiden's Delight Pinot Grigio – 2014 Fleur Chardonnay

April 24, 2022

Ep.23 – Pairs Well With Bullsh*t and Fishsticks

In this episode, The Weird Sisters get stereotyped as another hen in the brothel that only drinks Starbucks coffee and won’t stop cluck-cluckin’. Our favorite door-to-door charity is back and represented by a worthless bro.

We assure you that nobody you know is going to become possessed and kill you. However, there’s no way we can promise zoo animals won’t find your summer camp and kill you. If you find yourself in the center of such an encounter, please double check that it is not April Fool’s day before writing out your last will and testament.

Say it with us, “Pranks are okay but not in a traumatizing way!”

The amount of lawful good you are is directly tied to how many times you are summoned to jury duty and judges don’t give a damn about your anxiety. Do yourself a favor and throw that court order in the trash. Ghosting doesn’t just work on your exes, the government can also take a hint.

French alien wine got us a little extra weird today and we are pleased to let it out into the universe. Weird is literally our middle name.

This episode was inspired by: Comarca Verdejo – Bonny Doon Vin Gris – Colorfast Sauvignon Blanc

April 12, 2022

Ep.22 – Find the Girth You Want and Go

In this episode, The Weird Sisters talk about songs that empower you to kick your brain into the next gear and beat the mean guy in your favorite video game – the second option being to waterboard yourself real quick.

When you’re fresh out of high school, anything impresses you. Who cares that your boyfriend lives in a kitchen? You are just one privacy curtain away from being able to shimmy-shake at each other, and that’s adulthood.

Magical thinking has us all in its grasp. Maybe one day we will truly have the abilities we seek and can finally put up that protective barrier, enabling us to buy our f*cking eggs in peace.

We cannot tell you if Bloody Mary actually murders you since we all lied when we came out of the bathroom. If you tried it and it worked, let us know.

This episode was inspired by: Old Soul Pinot Noir – Che Boludo Malbec Bonarda – Santa Julia Tintillo Malbec

March 19, 2022

Ep.21 – Why does Xanax not Grow like Beans?

In this episode, The Weird Sisters find the trade off that makes the nice Walmart a place where you are able to wear shorts. Was the lack of fabric on your legs repurposed to cover the shame of moving into the bottom floor of an MLM scheme?

If we ever enter a second prohibition era, some trusty wine facts gave us the gift that keeps on giving: How NOT to make wine by NOT leaving it in a cupboard for 20 days. We obey the law in this house and especially in our cupboards.

Misogynistic history clearly states that women are not allowed to drink now or even in death for fear that they will get drunk, hangout and bangout with their highschool boyfriends in the afterlife. This may not have been a fear for men if they had known that snake wine could finally cure their teeny weenies enough to be secure in their manhood.

This episode was inspired by: Tragolargo Monastrell Red – El Savaje Cabernet Franc – Nomos Shiraz

Sources used for this episode:

March 8, 2022

Ep.20 – Hot D*mn, That’s Some Good Data

In this episode, The Weird Sisters invent new ways to express their needs, such as the Cupid Shuffle soundboard for anyone that likes to climax but doesn’t like to sound bossy.

Your how-to guide on Happy Returns has arrived. Got the wrong size undergarment? Put that judgmental employee in the PC hot seat and do what any self-respecting woman would do: blame it on your husband.

Haley tries to prove how smart she is by actually doing homework and shares it with the class. It’s sneakretly a C+, but Cs get degrees.

This episode was inspired by: Crypsis Lodi Zinfandel - Ophidian Pinotage – Chateau Hautes Versannes 2010 Bordeaux

February 18, 2022

Ep.19 – Don't Worry Mom, it's for Skittles

In this episode, The Weird Sisters get their minds absolutely blown by Exploding Head Syndrome: a symptom of anxiety which holds a title that spurs another layer of anxiety, leading to rolling explosions.

However, you may be haunted if you are not exploding so please make an appointment with your local exorcist if you can relate.

Get ready to meet the wine that tastes like a bouncy house full of Skittles that will fly up into your mouth as you jump. Foot sweat protected, gimp suits accepted. Don’t worry mom, it’s just for Skittles.

Rhetorical question: If you menstruate, what is your go-to food for the crampies and why is it potato chips? Also, why do you tip the bag straight into your throat?

This episode was inspired by: The Show Malbec – Folk & Fable Red Blend – Incarnadine Red Blend

February 4, 2022